How to change your life with self-talk
How you talk to yourself matters. It’s time to go from being your harshest critic to your biggest fan (more often, anyway).
You have more thoughts in a day than you have minutes.
No, really. Studies show you have about 6,000 thoughts in a day, which works out to just over four each minute. The exact number varies, but the point remains: You’re spending a lot of time in your head.
Of that, a large percentage of those thoughts are likely about yourself.
Some might be simple observations — you think you look nice in that outfit when you see it in the mirror, you think you’re funny when you make a joke with your coworkers — but some might be critical. A mistake you made the week before might be looming over you, making you think you aren’t good at your job, or what you said to your friend the day before might be stuck in your head. The reality is: Dwelling on negative or harmful thoughts about yourself might be doing more harm than you think.
How you talk to yourself matters. Maybe it’s time to go from being your harshest critic to your biggest fan (more often, anyway).
What is self-talk?
Self-talk refers to how you speak and think about yourself. It’s that inner voice and dialogue we have in our heads. When you fall into a trap of repetitive negative thoughts, sometimes called “rumination,” it can have negative effects on your mental health. But the opposite is also true: positive thinking, like self-affirmations, has a positive impact on well-being, self-perception, and self-worth. (Think of a cartoon angel and devil on your shoulders talking into your ears.) As long as your optimism is balanced with reality, you’re helping your brain build better habits.
Studies have even found that, in times of stress, third-person self-talk increases the ability to control thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Yes: referring to yourself by name encourages greater emotional regulation. Next time you need to give yourself a pep talk, go ahead and address yourself out loud, by name.
Types of self-talk
Research on self-talk and sports performance specifically has shown that there are two types that are particularly constructive or helpful: instructional and motivational.
Imagine you’re out for a run and starting to hit a wall. In this setting, instructional self-talk is just what it sounds like: it tells you what to do. Thoughts like “One foot in front of the other” or “Relax your shoulders” are cues to your body that encourage you to keep going. Motivational self-talk would be going straight to that encouragement: “You got this!” or “You’re doing great!”
And, while both lead to greater efficiency, instructional self-talk is often the best better method. So next time you’re trying to give yourself some encouragement, go ahead and get bossy.
Types of harmful thoughts
Although this isn’t a comprehensive list, there are generally four categories of self-talk that could be harmful or destructive:
- Personalizing, which is when you blame yourself for everything
- Magnifying, when you focus on the negative aspects of something
- Catastrophizing, or expecting the worst
- Polarizing, meaning you see the world in black and white or good and bad
If you can catch yourself slipping into one of these thought patterns, try to correct it with something instructional, motivational, or simply more positive. Try to turn “This is all my fault” into “I couldn’t have known any better at the time.”
Why does self-talk matter?
The nicer you can be to yourself, the better your mental well-being becomes. People who can practice constructive or helpful thinking (self-talk included) see benefits like lower anxiety and greater self-compassion, which improves resilience and happiness while lowering stress and anxiety.
Constructive self-talk in action
To see how self-talk makes changes, let’s consider Rachel. Rachel’s a gymnast who has been struggling to stick the landing on her vaults, and with every rep, her confidence is dwindling.
Part of the reason Rachel is struggling is because her internal dialogue sounds like this: “Come on, Rachel. You know you can do better than that. If you’d just get out of your head and focus, you’d be able to land these vaults that you should be able to land.”
Harsh, right? Rachel would never speak to a teammate like that, but it’s become automatic for her to be hard on herself like this.
After a pep talk from her coach, she remembers she’s supposed to focus on encouraging herself. It transforms the thoughts looping in her brain to this: “Alright, Rachel, you can do this. Take a few deep breaths and focus on how it feels when your foot meets the mat. You’ve done this hundreds of times and you’ll do it hundreds more. And if you don’t land it today, that’s okay.”
By the end of practice, Rachel is landing about half of her vaults and feeling her confidence. Next week, after a bit of sleep and some recovery, she’ll have an easier time staying optimistic and on track.
How to improve your self-talk
Okay! Enough science. Let’s talk about thinking your way to a confident and successful self.
Consider these 6 ways to make a habit of being kinder to yourself.
- Notice your thought patterns
Are there things that trigger negativity in you? Or recurring negative thoughts? Do some environments make it harder for you to stay positive?
The first step to making meaningful change is noticing what’s going on for you.t. And, although you can’t avoid some situations, people or places, it’s helpful to identify what’s happening to you in a given moment.
- Avoid “should” and opt for “could”
Nothing breeds negative thoughts like unrealistic expectations. When you’re thinking that you should be able to do something, this creates pressure on the outcomes of your behaviours or actions you might not be able to control.
Try a softer approach. Think about what you could do and reframe the thought to make it more manageable. Instead of “I should get out of bed early to go to the gym tomorrow,” try, “I could get up a bit earlier to go to the gym in the morning.” Isn’t that nicer?
- Reframe your thoughts to be more constructive
When you notice thoughts that aren’t helpful, try to immediately follow up with a reframed thought in its place. If your instinct is to think, “I’m not any good at this,” meet it with “Yet! But I will learn how to be good at this.” Eventually, constructive thought — something that encourages confidence and self-belief — will become your habit.
Self-defeating statements, or thoughts tied to limiting beliefs, offer a starting point for a helpful spin. Something like “I’m not a good enough runner to achieve this time” could become any of the following:
- “With enough hard work, I’ll be fast enough to achieve my goal time.”
- “Any attempts to get faster will make me a better runner, even if I don’t reach my goal.”
- “I run because I love it, not because I need to run at a certain speed.”
Each of these variations challenge the idea that this runner has about themselves, providing a constructive place to move forward from.
- Practice gratitude
When you’re having a hard time finding a positive spin, turn to gratitude. Find a way to make a “Thank you” or an “I’m grateful for” statement to replace your negative thought.
For example, you might be running late for an important meeting. Your initial reaction might be self-criticism, thinking things like “Everyone’s going to be mad at me” or “I deserve to be running late because I slept in.” Neither of these things are helpful, and neither are true. An upbeat spin could be, “I’m grateful that I have team members who will be understanding,” or “Thank you to myself for sneaking in a few extra minutes of rest this morning.”
- Repeat daily affirmations
Making self-talk a practice could take the shape of daily affirmations, which are quotes or phrases that you repeat. One study found that the parts of the brain activated by positive affirmations are responsible for how we think about ourselves, and these affirmations enhance self-worth and resilience.
What you choose to say is up to you, but here are some examples:
- I’m capable of doing anything I put my mind to.
- I’m valued and loved.
- My life is beautiful and full of joy.
- Being positive has the power to transform my life.
- Making mistakes means finding opportunities for growth.
If it feels a little cheesy, that’s okay. You don’t need to recite these in the mirror or speak in the third person. You just need to remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that’s more than enough.
- Surround yourself with more positivity
All of these positive habits might seem silly, but they really do work. Listening to music (even if it’s sad), reading motivational quotes, and smiling might actually boost your mood.
Something as simple as sticking a Post-it note on your bathroom mirror so that you read an encouraging note when you brush your teeth will make a difference.
Think back to Rachel and how her positivity improved her performance. That could be you, too.
Learn how to upgrade your self-talk with Build Better Humans
Learning how to notice and replace your thoughts is easier said than done — especially if you’re dealing with a high-pressure environment.
That’s why at Build Better Humans, our services are always based around who you are and where you’re at. We make a plan to support you with what you need, not what someone else thinks you need.
Let us help you silence your inner critic and learn how to keep cheering yourself on, no matter what you’re dealing with.
